The Road Taken
by JAGgle Belle
Summary: Chapter One written for the August 2014 HBX Challenge. An old friend re-enters Harm's life. At the same time, Harm makes some decisions about his relationship with Mac, forcing her to make some decisions of her own. This would take place in Season 10. Updates will come summer of 2016. Sorry for the delay in completion.
1. Say Something

Standard disclaimers. However I take full credit for all mistakes and irregularities.

The song is Say Something by A Great Big World with Christina Aguilera, although I prefer the Boyce Avenue cover. The song was not around in 2004—but this is fiction :-).

Friday, October 15, 2004  
North of Union Station  
0200 ZULU

Harm settled in for the evening feeling a bit restless and out of sorts. Friday nights were tougher when Mattie went back to Blacksburg to visit her dad for the weekend. As much as he knew the right thing for Mattie was for her to reunite with Tom, knowing and feeling were two different things. In his mind, each weekend just brought him one step closer to losing her. Even the budget reports he had brought home to keep him occupied were not having their usual dulling effect. The saving grace of the evening would be the phone call he knew he would soon receive.

The one constant over the last couple of months was her. How did that happen? Somehow, they had settled into an unspoken routine of phone calls on Tuesdays and Fridays. He would call on Tuesday, and she would call on Friday. If he was away on an investigation they reverted to IMs and email. Even the times they called each other became predictable. He knew he still had about a half hour according to his watch, so he jumped into the shower. He emerged ready in a pair of sweats and his favorite worn GO NAVY t-shirt. He grabbed himself a cold beer out of the refrigerator and took a seat on the couch making busy with his paperwork.

Like clockwork, the phone rang.

"Hello."

"Hey sailor."

"Hey yourself."

"How are you doing tonight?"

"I'm hangin' in. You?"

"The same," she said with a hint of a sad sigh in her voice. "So big plans for tonight?"

"The biggest. I'm sitting here and talking to you."

She smiled at the thought.

"Is Mattie off to Blacksburg?"

"Yeah."

"It's tough, I know."

"It is, but it's not about me."

"She's so fortunate to have someone like you in her life."

"Maybe. So tell me what the plans are."

As Harm diverted the attention off of him, they settled into easy conversation. If anyone would have told him two months ago that they would be sharing these conversations now, he would have thought them crazy. Then again, the events of his life would often confound him.

It started when she called late one Tuesday night. She wasn't even sure why she made the call. Other than a postcard or a note here and there, they had not spoken in about 2-1/2 years, since he watched her leave the courtroom. Hearing her voice on the other end of the phone was definitely a surprise for Harm, as was the quick realization of how much he did indeed miss her. He couldn't immediately pinpoint it, but she was different somehow. He guessed they both were.

Renee again was to become a presence in his life. As fate would have it, she would be returning to Washington at the invitation of the Navy to do another recruiting commercial. Her husband was killed in a car accident four months prior to her call, leaving Renee a single mom of twins. He did leave her well-off, but Cyrus' death left such a large void in her life that she decided to resume her career in an effort to fill it. The call from the Navy came at just the right time for Renee, and maybe in a strange way, for Harm too.

There were no thoughts or inklings of romance in the air between the two. It was simply a rekindling of a friendship, when maybe the both of them needed it the most. Renee was dealing with the loss of her husband. Harm was steeling himself for the loss of Mattie, and still reeling from another rejection by Mac.

"So is Mac ok with me staying with you until my sublet is available and I can bring the kids out?"

Harm felt his body tense with the shift in the conversation to Mac. "Mac doesn't get a vote."

"So you still haven't told her I am coming out?"

"Renee, I don't want to talk about Mac tonight."

"Too late."

"I could hang up on you, you know."

"But you won't," she replied.

He could hear her grin in her voice, and responded in kind, "You're right…for now."

"Why the interest in Mac, Renee?"

"Oh.. I still don't like her… but maybe I want you to have your miracle like I did."

"Even if it's with her?"

"Yes." She emphasized, "Even if it's with her… Harm, can I ask you a question?"

"Am I going to like it?"

"Um..probably not."

"Can I stop you from asking it?"

"You should know better."

"Go ahead Renee. I do, however, reserve the right not to answer."

"Spoken like a true lawyer. Seriously though, Harm what do you think would have happened if I didn't leave you?"

"I don't know Renee," Harm quietly answered, hoping his answer would suffice. It was an honest answer.

"I do. I would have missed one miracle trying to hang on to the hope of another. You know Harm, you were the first man I ever truly loved. When you were leaving after my dad's funeral, I wanted you to say something, anything that would let me know there was going to be a happily ever after for us. Although you were the dutiful boyfriend that day, you didn't. And something in me gave up the hope of us as you left. "

Residual guilt started rising to the surface for Harm. "It wasn't your fault Renee. I really never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry."

"I'm not Harm, and you're missing the point. If I would have kept hanging on, there would have been no miracle, and I would have been sorry. We would have ended somehow, at some time, and I would have missed out on the greatest, unlikeliest love I could ever hope to have in my life. I fought for you Harm. At times I was fighting you for you. I realized there comes a time when you have to give up. You, you aren't fighting. You aren't giving up. You are just hiding away in this holding pattern."

"Maybe I'm tired of saying goodbye, Renee."

"Trust me, I know the pain of goodbye."

"I didn't mean to…"

"No more apologies sailor. Goodbye is a horrible part of life, and I know you more than anyone knows that. But I wouldn't have traded one moment Cyrus and I spent together to spare me the pain of saying goodbye to him, or to you. If Mac is truly your miracle go after it, if not maybe it is time to give up the ship."

"Naval officers don't give up the ship Renee. So what do you want me to cook for you when you come?"

Harm was done talking about Mac.

"Haarrmm…"

"Reneeeee..."

For the next few days Harm's conversation with Renee played over again in his mind. In spite of the shadow of Mac in their relationship, she always had a way of reaching deep within him, and helping him to reach inside himself. He hated to admit it, but she was right. He would wait for Mac as long as it took, if only he knew... if only there was a sign of exactly what he was waiting for. Sooner or later the words never and I can't have to be believed.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004  
Driving back from Norfolk Naval  
2000 ZULU

Although it was a lovely fall day, the temperature in the car was frigid on the cusp of freezing. Harm had been looking forward to this assignment, a rare one these days where he was partnered with Mac. He thought the hours in the car would give them an opportunity to talk, where neither one could walk away. Once again, things did not go as he planned.

It wasn't unusual for them to disagree in an investigation, heck it wasn't unusual for them to disagree on most things depending the day. Their relationship over the last year and a half was a mercurial extreme, if nothing else.  
It started out ok. The trip down to Norfolk was filled with comfortable idle chatter. It then became a 'Rabb what the heck were you thinking moment.' He decided to share with Mac that Renee was back in his life, and would be returning to Washington with a layover at his place. Apparently some things were best left unsaid, and he still was wishing for those operating instructions.

The silence in the car on the drive back from Norfolk was deafening. He couldn't stand it anymore.

"Are you going to say something?"

"What's there to say?"

"I don't know Mac, a lot. Or maybe nothing at all," he said with a frustrated sigh.

He watched as she closed her eyes, putting an immediate end to their non-conversation. She found a way to walk away.

Anxious to have a distraction, any distraction he put the radio on, hoping to find peace in some music. Once again, he was wrong.

He didn't recognize the song as it started, yet as it played it seemed it was written for him…for them…for now.

_Say something, I'm giving up on you  
I'll be the one, if you want me to  
Anywhere, I would've followed you  
Say something, I'm giving up on you _

Harm's hands tightened on the wheel.

_And I am feeling so small  
It was over my head  
I know nothing at all_

He looked over to her. She remained still with her eyes closed. He turned away.

_And I will stumble and fall  
I'm still learning to love  
Just starting to crawl_

Little did he know every word was touching her. If it wouldn't have ruined her illusion of sleep, she would have turned the radio off.

_Say something, I'm giving up on you  
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you  
Anywhere I would've followed you  
Say something, I'm giving up on you_

He suddenly felt Mac's eyes upon him, and turned with a questioning look to meet her gaze. She immediately turned away. To him, at that moment, they could not have spoken any louder to each other.

_And I will swallow my pride  
You're the one that I love  
And I'm saying goodbye_

Mac cursed herself for the tears she felt welling in her eyes. 'He's not going to see me cry. Not again.'

_Say something, I'm giving up on you  
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you  
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)  
Say something, I'm giving up on you_

Say something, I'm giving up on you  
Say something...

When the song ended he turned off the radio, and they drove the rest of the way in silence. Harm was focusing on the road. Mac was pretending to sleep. Each of them lost in their thoughts of how they got to this place.

Sunday, October 24, 2004  
Georgetown  
2400 ZULU

He wasn't even sure why he asked Mac to join them tonight. She wasn't sure why she accepted the invitation. They had done their best to avoid each other since returning from Norfolk. While chaperoning Mattie and her best friend Ian was more duty than his idea of a great time, he thought maybe their presence could provide a buffer for him and Mac. Harm was wrong again.

Mattie got to choose the dinner venue, and she of course opted for her favorite – pizza. Like the dutiful dad he was, Harm didn't balk. Mac was quiet, but it was a pleasant dinner. She seemed to relax as the evening progressed, even deciding what they needed was some ice cream and a walk. It was a beautiful night, and if truth be told she didn't want to go back to her apartment. 'So is this what a family with him would feel like?' She wasn't sure, but at least tonight she wasn't in her apartment alone with her thoughts.

Mattie and Ian were oblivious to Harm and Mac's presence. However, Harm immediately noticed when Ian slipped his hand into Mattie's. As he and Mac exchanged knowing glances, the protective dad asked, "Can a best friend become your boyfriend?"

Mac smiled, "Sometimes…if you're lucky".

Harm stopped walking and looked down at the ground. "So have I run out of luck, Mac?"

"Harm?"

"Or is it that best friend no longer fits?"

"Harm, I don't….."

Raising his head to now look in her eyes, "Don't what Mac? Don't think we should talk about this, or don't think that best friend fits anymore?"

"Harm, now isn't the time…"

"Well one thing I think we both can agree on is that timing has never been our specialty."

Wanting to avoid this discussion, she began to walk away from him. He gently grabbed her, and turned her to face him. "When is the time, Mac?"

"I don't know."

Still holding on to her, "I'd wait for you however long I need to. The problem is Mac, I don't even know what I'm waiting for anymore. I just know we can't keep going on like this. It's not good for either one of us. "

Mac felt her defenses rise, regretting immediately the words coming out of her mouth. "Is this about Renee?"

Her question took Harm by surprise, as Renee was the last person on his mind at the moment. He let go of her, "What? Renee? No..."

"Now that she is coming back..."

"Mac, this has nothing to do with Renee."

"Harm can we please not talk about this now."

Harm bit his lip, and took a deep breath. "I can't do this anymore Mac."

Seeing Mattie and Ian approaching, Harm and Mac did their best to put on fake smiles. "So..." Harm began. "How long did it take you two to realize you left us behind." Mattie grinned, "Not long at all." Harm gave her a discerning look. "How about we call it a night? We need to get you home Ian, and tomorrow is going to be a long day."

They walked Mac to her car, and as they said their goodbyes the look in Harm's eyes registered in Mac's heart. It wasn't just an ordinary goodbye.

Mac's Apartment  
0300 ZULU

Mac put on a pot of tea, trying to wrap her head around the way the evening ended.

'What is wrong with you Mackenzie? God, you sounded like a jealous woman. Jealous of what? Just what do you want from him? Why do you always do this with him? You pull him close, only to push him farther away. And then the minute you think he's interested in another woman… Can you blame him for giving up?'

Turning on the stereo she then sat down with her cup of tea. A now all too familiar song started to play.

_Say something, I'm giving up on you  
I'll be the one, if you want me to  
Anywhere, I would've followed you  
Say something, I'm giving up on you_

And I am feeling so small  
It was over my head  
I know nothing at all

The tears she wouldn't cry in front of him began to fall as it hit her that this time was different. This time he really was giving up on her…on them. This goodbye would be different.

_And I will swallow my pride  
You're the one that I love  
And I'm saying goodbye_

It was all in her hands now. Once again he left the ball in her court, but the difference this time is he was leaving the game. She reached for the phone and dialed his number.

"Rabb"

Mac took a deep breath. "Harm, it's me…."


	2. How Far

Standard Disclaimers. However, I do take full credit for all mistakes, omissions, grammatical incongruities, and overall angst.

Credit for the musical interlude goes to Martina McBride's How Far.

It continues immediately where "Say Something" left off...

**How Far**

It was all in her hands now. Once again he left the ball in her court, but the difference this time is he was leaving the game. She reached for the phone and dialed his number.

"Rabb"

Mac took a deep breath. "Harm, it's me…."

He didn't say anything. She could sense his walls falling into place one by one, with their movement echoed by his silence. She still wasn't quite sure what she was going to say. She didn't know if he would listen. She just knew right now she needed to say something.

"Harm?"

"I'm here Mac."

"We need to talk."

"About what?"

"Anything…Everything."

"I think I finally heard you loud and clear tonight. What else is there to say?"

"Alot."

"Then say it….."

Then and there she made a decision. "Not like this Harm… I'm coming over."

"Mac.."

She wasn't about to take no for an answer. "If you don't answer the door, I guess I will be standing in the hallway until you do."

As she hung up the phone her mind led her back to another time and another place, when she hung up with another man and rushed after him. For a moment, she let herself wonder how differently things might have turned out if instead of professing her love for Mic, and closing the door on Harm, she instead stayed. Where Harm was concerned, their years together had accumulated many "What Ifs".

Harm stared at the phone a moment, then put the phone back in its cradle. 'I wonder if this is what Beth meant about knowing when it's over', he thought to himself. Going another round with Mac tonight was the last thing he wanted to do, as the reality of it all continued to sink in. The music was about to play for what was shaping up to be their final dance.

Feeling drained from the night's events, and preparing himself for what could be a long night ahead, he decided to take a shower to keep busy while he waited for Mac to arrive. He turned the radio up, hoping to drown out the thoughts in his head.

The drive to Harm's place seemed like it would never end. His words from earlier in the evening played over and over in Mac's head. "I'd wait for you however long I need to. The problem is Mac, I don't even know what I'm waiting for anymore. I just know we can't keep going on like this. It's not good for either one of us. I can't do this anymore Mac."

Mac finally arrived at his door. She saw he left it ajar, but she couldn't just walk in. Not tonight. She just stood there. As she battled the part of her that wanted to turn and run away, she remained standing there thinking, her thoughts accented by the music coming from his apartment.  
_  
There's a boat, I could sail away  
There's the sky, I could catch a plane  
There's a train, there's the tracks  
I could leave and I could choose to not come back  
Oh never come back_

There you are, giving up the fight  
Here I am begging you to try  
Talk to me, let me in  
But you just put your wall back up again  
Oh when's it gonna end

Harm stepped out of the shower. The moments of mindless peace he was hoping to find didn't come. He couldn't stop thinking of her…of them…. As he dried himself off, he wished it would be as easy to wipe away everything that brought them to this place. He quickly got dressed. The song he now heard playing, instead of drowning out his thoughts, only permeated them.  
_  
How far do I have to go to make you understand  
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't  
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are  
So I'm gonna walk away  
And it's up to you to say how far_

There's a chance I could change my mind  
But I won't, not till you decide  
What you want, what you need  
Do you even care if I stay or leave  
Oh, what's it gonna be

Harm was jolted by the knock that finally came. He turned off the radio and slowly made his way to the door. He paused for a moment, then opened it all the way to see Mac standing on the other side.

Harm stood there staring at her. He could tell she had been crying, and he silently chastised himself for whatever role he played in her tears. He always hated seeing Mac cry. He fought the urge to pull her close and tell her everything was going to be ok. Tonight, that was a promise he couldn't make to either one of them.

At the same time she stood there looking at him, meeting his gaze. In what seemed like a moment's time, their years together flashed before her eyes. For the first time in a long time, she let herself take a good look at the man standing before her…..the very man she kept pushing away.  
Harm was older now. Yet, if possible, he was even more handsome than the day they first met. He'd matured, not only physically, but he'd grown on so many other levels. Maybe he'd even grown past her, when she wasn't looking. He was no longer the stick boy, who at times fought his own ghosts and demons. He stood there before her, the man he always was and the man he had become. For the first time too, she also let herself see something she wouldn't allow herself to see before, the look of hurt and resignation that his eyes conveyed. It was a look she knew she was at the heart of.

Mac finally broke the silence. "Are you going to let me in?" It was a question with a double meaning, and one they both understood.

He silently motioned for her to come inside.

"Have a seat. Would you like some water? Tea?"

She took a familiar seat at the kitchen counter. "I'm fine, thanks."

He grabbed himself a bottle of water and stood across from her. They again looked at each other in silence. It felt like an eternity for them both, until this time Harm broke the silence. "I'm listening."

To be continued….


	3. In The Same Breath (Pt 1)

Standard Disclaimers. However, I do take full credit for all mistakes, omissions, grammatical incongruities, and overall angst.

Mac sat there for a moment, trying to gather her thoughts. She was the one who insisted on coming here, yet suddenly this was the last place she wanted to be. Maybe, she thought to herself, she should have just left things as they were. That worked in the past…well, sort of. Yet, here she was now forcing his hand, and hers at the same time. She didn't like this feeling. It was a feeling that brought all of her defenses blaring back to the surface. She was feeling trapped. At least in the past, she was the one in control, or had at least convinced herself she was. However, in a matter of minutes he somehow was able to change that. 'Damn, you Harm', she thought. However, deep down she also acknowledged she wasn't being fair to him. Logically, she knew it wasn't just about her, her hurt and her pain. She did see that tonight. Nevertheless, emotionally right now, she couldn't move beyond herself. Of all the men who traveled in and out of her life, none had the effect on her like the man standing across from her. No other man had the power to hurt her like he did either.

Finally, she let herself ask, "What happened tonight, Harm?"

He stood there with his arms folded. "You tell me." She could see by the look on his face that he was not going to let her do what she had done before. He was not going to let her deflect their issues, and her reactions solely onto him.

"I don't know", she sighed. "One minute we were eating ice cream, and the next…..…you're what…walking out of my life again?" She got up and started walking around.

"I think you missed a few things in between Mac."

"You were pressuring me Harm."

"Funny, I just thought I asked you a simple question."

"Nothing is ever simple with you Harm. Isn't that your line…complications? Aren't I the one who makes complicated things too simple?"

Harm took a slow sip from his water bottle, and placed it on the counter. He wasn't going to go there with her. Instead of answering her question, to her surprise, he posed his own. "Mac…what is it you want from me?"

She wasn't prepared for the question, or its directness, although it was one she had been asking herself for years. It too, on the surface, was a simple question. Yet for her, it was one wrought with complications. And it still was a question she was not ready to answer. She stood there in silence looking at anything but him.

Harm chuckled softly. "You know for someone who drove here to talk about everything, you really don't seem to have much to say."

"Maybe I had less to say than I thought."

He walked to her, and stood directly in front of her. "Mac, why did you come here tonight?"

"I think maybe I just should go." She turned from him and walked toward the door.

"Ok." He walked back to the counter and took a seat.

She was taken aback by his quick response, and stopped in front of the door, keeping her back to him. "That's it?.. Ok?"

"Yeah….. That's it Mac. If you want to go, I am not going to try and stop you. I love you Mac…but…."

Startled by his words, she turned around. "What did you just say?"

"I said I love you Mac." He said it with no hesitation, no reservation, as if he had said it a hundred times before. In his own way he had. The only difference now was the words finally caught up.

"Just like always, Harm. You wait until I am walking out the door…" She responded so quickly, that she didn't allow what he said to really register. He just said he loved her. There were days she thought she would have given anything to hear him utter those words. Now that he did, she simply used them against him.

"That's not true, Mac."

For a moment, Mac felt frozen in place. She didn't want to stay. She didn't want to go. She turned back and looked at him, hoping he could see the apology in her eyes. She then turned around and walked out the door.

Harm just sat there, trying to absorb what just happened. He wasn't quite sure what he was expecting, but this wasn't it. At the same time, he wasn't surprised by her leaving. Similar moments in the past were as much a part of their history as anything else. It did surprise him though that, although he knew he wouldn't, there was still a part of him that wanted to go after her. As he stood up, she came walking back through the door.

"I guess I will have that tea now."

Harm smiled at her. "I'm glad you decided to come back."

He began busying himself with making the tea. It was looking like it was going be a long night after all. She again took a seat at the counter.

"Why do we always wind up here?" she asked.

"I wish I knew. I don't know… maybe it's inevitable. I do know I don't want to hurt you anymore Mac…and I…." Harm let his words drift off.

"Don't want to be hurt by me, anymore. It's ok, you can say it. I know I've hurt you Harm. Maybe I just didn't realize how much until tonight."

To be continued…..


	4. In The Same Breath (Pt 2)

JAG fans check out my profile. JAG "lives" on facebook - there is a fan page! Check it out and join in the JAG fun.

Now onto the next installment of the story.

Standard Disclaimers. However, I do take full credit for all mistakes, omissions, grammatical incongruities, and overall angst.

Harm ventured off into the philosophical, "The pleasure and pain of love, I guess." It seemed like a safe place for the moment.

"I'm not sure I even know what it means anymore," Mac said, with a hint of resignation. "Sometimes I feel like my life and you are just part of one big script someone else is writing. Just when I think I know where the story is going, it changes. Suddenly, somehow it goes off in a totally different direction. I hear myself sometimes saying things, or see myself…doing things, and I wonder where did that come from? And it seems every time I try to rewrite it myself, it only gets changed again. I don't think I even understand the story anymore."

Harm brought their tea, and took the seat next to her. "I think I know what you mean."

"Do you?" she asked.

They sat for a few moments drinking their tea in silence. Both wondering what to say next. Both afraid of saying the wrong thing. Both afraid of not saying the right thing.

Mac broke the silence this time. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have walked out of here like I did."

"The important thing Mac, is that you came back." Harm knew it wasn't easy for her.

"You know," she began, "I can't tell you how many times I've asked myself, why can't we make this work between us?"

"And how did you answer yourself?"

"With only more questions." Mac sighed.

Harm shrugged. "Yet another one of life's great mysteries. Maybe we're just never in the same place at the same time. Maybe we've spent so much time not making it work, we just don't know how to get there anymore. Maybe it goes back to we can't change who we are. Maybe we are so afraid to let go, we can't figure out how to hold on. Or maybe Mac…. it's that you just don't want it to."

"Wait….So what? Now it's all my fault?" Mac felt that switch going off again.

Harm looked intently in her eyes and stated in a tone that matched his look, "Yes, it is."

Mac was getting ready to strike back, when she saw his very large smile and a glint in his eyes. They both couldn't help but laugh at that moment. Their shared laughter was a much needed break in the tension of the evening.

"From the moment I met you Sarah Mackenzie, I had a feeling my life was never going to be the same. At least I was right about something," Harm said with a grin.

"I think in a way, you've been right about a lot of things." Mac admitted.

"Maybe. I also know from the beginning, I haven't always made it easy between us either, Mac." Harm hesitated a moment before continuing. "You coming into my life just months after Diane was murdered, and right after Meg left. In the course of a few months I lost them both. And then there you were…"

"Diane's twin," she added.

Harm nodded. "Diane's twin…. More tea?"

Mac took Harm's cue to move on for the moment. "I'm good, thanks."

"You've never really spoken a lot about Meg." While Harm had shared with Mac some of his history with Diane, he never said much about Meg. Tonight Mac had the feeling she would learn why.

"No, not really. You would have liked her. She never let me get away with much." He couldn't help but smile at the thought of her.

"When Diane was murdered… she was there for me. I was feeling guilty. I started blaming myself. What if this? What if that? If only…"

"Diane's murder wasn't your fault, Harm.

"I know. But guilt is a funny thing Mac. If you try hard enough you can make yourself feel responsible for almost anything." This was something Mac knew all too well.

"Even when my dad went MIA, I had myself convinced it was all my fault. I missed him so much, and gave my mother such a hard time. Even at six, I was a little hard to handle." Harm smiled wistfully. "For me, it became the reason he went missing. I was the reason. I wasn't being good enough. I was so sure if I behaved, it would bring him home. And behave I did. He still didn't come home."

This was a side of Harm that Mac didn't see very often. She was used to pulling information from him, and trying to piece together the puzzle with what he shared, or as she hated to admit trying to force him to open up, only to shut him down when he did. Now, she remained quiet, fearing he would stop. She stroked his arm, silently urging him to continue.

Though her touch was comforting, it was a nerve he wasn't ready to further expose. "But I digress.."

Harm got up and walked into the kitchen. He felt the need for a little distance, if he was going to continue. He leaned back on the counter.

He continued. "It was my idea that Diane and I get together to figure out where we were going. With so much time and distance between us, we had agreed to see other people. It was like being stuck in two worlds. You can't move forward, yet you can't step back. We were going to try and sort it all out, and yeah, figure out our future. It was figured out for us."

Mac realized, in his own way, Harm was answering her earlier question. If anyone could understand, it would be him.

"Meg and I….. we didn't get off to the best start. It was short lived though. The year we were partners was a tough year. First Luke….," Harm paused for a moment. " I think that's when Meg and I really began to click. She got me through the investigation…..his death. And then when Diane…. She helped get me through it all. At least as far as I could get through any of it at the time. Half the time she wouldn't let me out of her sight. She and I became very close."

Mac couldn't help her curiosity "Did you and she..?"

Harm immediately knew what Mac was asking. He also knew it wasn't the easiest of answers.

"Kate and I crossed that line Mac. You know that. With Kate…. it was different. We cared about each other in our own way, still do. But with Kate it was about sex. Great sex. But sex none the less. Still even with that, I didn't handle it very well, and believe it or not, I do try to learn from my mistakes. Meg…she was different though. She was also part of the reason I was meeting Diane."

To be continued….


	5. In The Same Breath (Pt 3)

Standard Disclaimers. However, I do take full credit for all mistakes, omissions, grammatical incongruities, and overall angst.  
Apologies for taking so long to write this next part.

Previously:

Mac couldn't help her curiosity "Did you and she..?"

Harm immediately knew what Mac was asking. He also knew it wasn't the easiest of answers."Kate and I crossed that line Mac. You know that. With Kate…. it was different. We cared about each other in our own way, still do. But with Kate it was about sex. Great sex. But sex none the less. Still even with that, I didn't handle it very well, and believe it or not, I do try to learn from my mistakes. Meg…she was different though. She was also part of the reason I was meeting Diane."

In The Same Breath (Part 3)

Mac's eyes were transfixed on Harm as he spoke. Although his years as an investigator and attorney afforded him the ability to read people by their expressions as much as their words, the look on Mac's face was one he was having trouble understanding. Her eyes said so much, almost too much. In some ways it seemed a look of conflict, but it was one that also seemed to be going off in so many directions. What he didn't realize is he was reading her better than he thought.

At that moment her mind was filled with so many thoughts, reflections and questions happening at the same time. Mac again felt as if she was in the middle of a whirlwind. It was one that she knew wouldn't stop any time soon. The only respite was that for a time, the focus was not on her. As much as she wanted Harm to continue, she realized there was a part of her that really didn't want to know. Yet, she was the one who asked. Wasn't it always this way with Harm?' she wondered to herself. He tried to give her what she wanted, and then she wasn't quite sure what to do with it. She also felt the stirrings of an all too familiar feeling where he was concerned.

When Mac found out that Harm slept with Kate, she wasn't as much surprised by the fact that he did, as she was her reaction. She had taken an immediate dislike to Kate, not really because of anything the woman said or did, but because Kate had known Harm in a way that she had only been able to fantasize about. Though Mac wouldn't admit it to herself at the time, Kate saw right through her denials. Mac wondered now if she would feel the same way about Meg, a woman she had never even met. Still at the same time, this was not the only thing going through her mind. It was him. Then again, wasn't it always him in one way or another. He was a big proponent of nothing changing who they were, but she was again faced with the fact that he had changed.

Harm began to pale under the intensity of Mac's gaze.

"What?" he asked a bit defensively.

"Me… you…. The realization of how much you've changed right before my eyes…..yet I didn't see it."

"Your focus has been elsewhere Mac."

"It's almost like….like you've grown past me."

"It's not a competition," Harm tried to say reassuringly.

"Isn't it?"

"It is, only if you want it to be."

'Isn't that part of the problem,' she thought. Still, even sitting there tonight, she didn't know what she wanted it to be. She only knew what she didn't want. She didn't want to lose him.

"I shouldn't have interrupted you. You were telling me about Meg."

"I think actually Mac, you were asking me about her." Harm forced a smile. "Let's just make something easy. What do you want to know?"

'Nothing, everything..,' she pondered. She wanted to come right out and ask him, but she knew this was his story and not an interrogation, and she wanted him tell it in his own thought best to continue with his words. "Why was Meg different?"

Harm hesitated for a moment. He was thankful he had remained standing in the kitchen putting some physical distance between the two of them. His eyes then met Mac's again. "Because Mac…. In spite of myself, in spite of everything I didn't want to happen… …I was falling in love with her." Harm was taken aback for a moment hearing those words come out of his mouth. This chapter in his life was something he never spoke about to anyone. He never thought he'd be telling Mac, especially not like this and especially not tonight. His history with Meg was just something he tucked away, like so many other events in his life. These events often managed to come to light, usually in ways he hadn't expected. Harm just stood there, trying to gauge Mac's reaction to his revelation, and trying to decide whether he himself wanted to continue.

"C'mon Mac. While I am sure the life and times of Harmon Rabb Jr. would make a great book someday, a trip down my memory lane isn't what you came over to talk about is it?"

"I want you to tell me Harm….. I want to know."

"Why?"

She didn't have to speak. She simply looked at him, and he saw the answer. He knew he had to continue, for both of them.

"You know it was funny in its own odd sort of way. On our first assignment together, I saved Meg from drowning." Anticipating Mac's question before she asked, "It's another long story. In her own way, that's what she pretty much tried to keep me from doing the rest of our time together in one way or another. There were some pretty high currents that year. As I said…. She got me though a lot, even things at the time I really didn't know I was going through. But she knew. She always knew. Things just started gradually building between us, and neither one of us pursuing it for all the obvious reasons. Work. Our friendship. Diane. And after Kate….." Harm became quite for a moment, almost having to force the words out. "Then Meg was shot….I almost lost her…"

For a moment Harm was transported back in time, feeling the guilt for not being there to protect Meg, and the fear he felt those moments by her bedside as he prayed for her to wake up. Mac saw the feelings wash right over him, feelings she herself became all too familiar with as she waited for news of Harm's rescue from the Patrick Henry. For both of them, no matter how much time had passed, they were feelings neither one of them would ever forget.

"I guess deep down I knew then…there would be no turning back. Then Meg saved my life. Actually Meg and Krennick both did—rescuing me from the Chinese." Harm shook off the memory with a soft laugh. Despite the nightmare of what he went though, he always found some humor in the rescue team of Austin and Krennick.

"Rescuing you from the Chinese?" Mac was not able to mask her surprise.

"Yeah… yet another long story. In this one, she thought I had been killed. After that, feelings were coming too close to the surface for us both, and we could no longer neatly tuck away what was happening. It was getting harder to continue on as we had before. She and I had changed. We changed. With the way Meg and I were heading, it was only going to be a matter of time until the reasons didn't matter. And if we crossed that line…. And there still was Diane. Though we agreed to see other people, what was happening with Meg was different. So Diane and I were getting together to figure us and the future out. I owed that to her. To us. And to Meg too."

Harm stopped for a moment to collect his thoughts.

"But you never got the chance," Mac offered trying to gently help him along.

"No… we didn't. How about some coffee?"

"Sure, why not." Mac saw through Harm's invitation.

Harm busied himself making coffee. For him it served two purposes. It gave him a little breather, and it would help steady him for what he knew was still to be a long night ahead. After setting the coffeemaker, he continued.

"The dust began to settle from the investigation. I really don't know what I would have done without her during it all. We started settling back in, trying to get back to normal, whatever that was." Harm turned and began staring out the window. Staring at nothing really, but he didn't want to look at Mac when he continued.

This wasn't lost on her. "What happened next?" Mac asked.

"One night we happened. So there's your answer Mac. Yes… we did. It wasn't planned. It just happened. I don't know. Maybe it happened too soon after losing Diane. I was still so wrapped up in the loss….the guilt. I blamed myself. I even managed to blame the feelings I had for Meg for setting the events in motion. You'd think that after all of these years I'd have all the answers. I don't. I don't know if I ever will. Here was this woman that I was falling in love with, and at that point wanted to hold onto more than anything, needed more than anything, and I pushed her away harder than I pushed anything away in my life. I just didn't know how not to at the time. Then I would just get angrier at myself. She deserved a hell of a lot better. She tried to stay in there though. Meg was a fighter, but even for her the fight got to be too much. I still don't know what bothered her more. Me hurting her, or the effect my hurting her had on me."

Mac fought the urge to go stand beside him. Right now she never felt closer to him, yet she never felt so far apart.

"Working together was becoming more and more difficult. She made a decision for us both. She requested an immediate transfer. I had no idea. I found out in a letter the day she left. She knew, despite everything, that I would try to talk her out of it."

"Did you go after her?" Mac asked.

"No. She asked me not to. In her way she loved me enough to walk away, and I loved her enough to let her go. She said it was the best thing for us both, and I did my best to believe her at the time. And Meg, being Meg had recommended Bud's transfer to JAG to make sure I still had someone watching out for me because she wouldn't be there to anymore."

Harm turned back to face Mac with a wistful smile. "In the end I guess for her it was the best thing. I hear she is married to some Texas oil tycoon, has a couple of kids, and she made commander not too long ago. Things turned out ok for her."

"If she stayed, I probably wouldn't have met you Harm." Mac couldn't help but feel a bit selfish at her remark.

"Maybe. Maybe not. Fate has its own way of intervening Mac. You know that. I guess losing Meg like that made me afraid of history repeating itself, but in a way it did, and it has…."

A light went off in Mac's head. Though they had touched upon it in the past, it was still a moment in their history which Mac, immersed in her feelings of rejection, never quite understood. That is until now. "Sydney Harbor?"

Harm nodded. "Sydney Harbor."

"Harm, why didn't you tell me any of this before?"

"I don't know Mac. Tell you what? I had a penchant for sleeping with my partners and driving them away?"

"Don't do that. You know that's not what I mean."

"Mac…The day you walked into my life…. It was like everything coming back full circle. Then the same feeling of almost being stuck in two worlds. You can't move forward, yet you can't step back. . "

"And I was in the shadow of not one, but two women…."

"Yeah, you were in the beginning. Maybe, even more than I realized at the time. I meant what I said though. I never did resent you for it. So many times when I would look at you….But as time went on… I guess that is why I tried to keep things at bay between us. In Australia it would have been so easy to take you to bed…to give into it all. It was you I wasn't ready to let go of. I wasn't ready to take a chance of losing you too. In hindsight though, maybe what I was doing was simply staving off the inevitable."

Harm poured them both a cup of coffee, giving them both a moment to regroup.

"So did I answer your question Mac?"

"Yes you did… and more." Mac, in her own way, was still trying to process everything he said.

"Good." Harm brought the coffee over and again took the seat next to Mac. "Now maybe we can get back to mine…. Why did you come here tonight Mac? What is it that you want from me?"

To be continued…


	6. Update

For those following this story, my apologies for the time lag. Its amazing how time flies. I have been immersed in some life things, but now that they hopefully are wrapping up, I can and will complete this story over the summer. I am looking forward to see how this all unfolds, and am excited to share with you. Thank you for your patience, and hopefully you will think it worth the wait.


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